THE THREE ENVELOPES
A man had just been hired as the new managing director of a large high tech London-based corporation. The managing director who was stepping down, met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the new MD was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes.
He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new MD called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous MD. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and The City responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the MD quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company again fell on difficult times. The MD went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said: "Prepare three envelopes." Go Top
SURPRISE FOR HUSBAND
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair. Go Top
THOUGHTS ON GAME OF GOLF
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh. Go Top
FOUR DADS OUT PLAYING GOLF
Four dads were having a game of golf with their sons. While the sons were ahead on the next hole, the dads started to talk about how well their sons were doing.
The first dad said, "My son is doing great in the garage building business. He's doing so well that he gave a friend a new garage!"
The second dad said, "That's nothing. My son has his own car business. And he's done so well that he gave a new car to one of his friends."
The third dad said, "My son has topped both of yours. My son has self-owned housing business. He has done so well in the past year that he had enough to give a house to a friend."
The fourth dad didn't say anything. One of the other three asked him, How is your son doing?" The fourth dad said, "Well, I still don't like how my son is gay and has no work. But he is doing quite well. He's received a new house, a new garage, and a new car." Go Top
THE PERFECT SCAM
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company." Go Top
INCREASING PRODUCTIVITY
As productivity has not increased since the implementation of the seven-day week, the stoppage of all company health and retirement plant, the 20 per cent pay cut, the ten-year pay freeze, the installation of video cameras in company restrooms, the hiring of the corporate truant officers to check up on all employees calling in sick, and the random drug and dirty underwear screenings, management has decided that the beatings and mandatory self-flagellations will continue until moral improves. Go Top
PICKING A STARTING SALARY
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it." Go Top
DILBERT'S SALARY THEOREM
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make. Go Top
THE THREE ENVELOPES
A man had just been hired as the new managing director of a large high tech London-based corporation. The managing director who was stepping down, met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the new MD was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes.
He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new MD called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous MD. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and The City responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the MD quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company again fell on difficult times. The MD went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said: "Prepare three envelopes." Go Top
CORPORATE TRUTHS
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. Go Top
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