POLICE QUOTES
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects." Go Top
FRUIT PICKING
These three men went out on this fishing trip, but as they we sailing along in their little boat, a storm picked up and swept them onto a rather small island.
Now the men weren't scared at first, but when they saw these cannibals chasing after them, they began to run for their lives. The cannibals were much faster than they were, and so they captured the three men, and brought them to their King.
The King said, "I want each of you to pick 10 fruits. Each man must collect a different fruit as to that of the other two. Once you have done this, return to me, and I will tell you what to do."
So the men, fearing their lives, run out and began to search madly for any fruit. The first man returns after a while with 10 apples. The King grinned wickedly and said, "Now you must take those 10 apples and shove them up your ass without making any facial expression. If you fail to do so, I will kill you!"
The poor man gets up to number 8 and then screams, as the pain was so intense. The King killed him right then and there, and returned to see the second man coming back with 10 strawberries. The second man got his instructions, too, and was up to the 10th strawberry, when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he begins laughing hysterically. So the King killed him, too, just as he did with the first man.
Now the first man and the second man meet up in Heaven, and the first man asks the second man, "Why did you laugh? You were on your last strawberry, and you could have gotten away!"
The second man said with a little smile, "Yeah, I know, but I couldn't resist laughing when I saw the third man coming back with pineapples!" Go Top
PATIENT IN LUNATIC ASYLUM
The head doctors in a lunatic asylum have a meeting and decide that one of their patients is potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theater, there are 'wet paint' signs pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited because they think he may be in touch with reality now. So they ask him: "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers: "So I'd be higher and have a better view." Go Top
RESEARCH BY SEX THERAPIST
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him: "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing.
"Hmmm¡that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher. "Would you mind if I had a look at it?"
So the volunteer struck out his tongue. Go Top
ANY LAST WORDS?
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.
"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean right before he died?" sobbed the window.
"Yes," replied the lawyer, "they might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'" Go Top
AIRPLANE LOSING HEIGHT
In an airplane the captain told the passengers: "This is your Captain speaking. We are losing height and we do not have fuel enough for reaching land. Therefore, we have to let all baggage leave the airplane." The airplane got height again.
Half an hour later the airplane lost height again and the captain was on the loudspeakers once more: "This is your captain speaking. We are still losing height, and we can not reach land without having some passengers to leave the plane. It is a bad situation but we will do this in an honest and democratic way - we will use the alphabet - starting with A. "
"Are there any African passengers?"
No one answered.
"Are there any Black passengers?"
Still no one answered.
"Are there any Coloured passengers?"
Still no one answered but back in the airplane a little boy asked his father: "Dad, you have always told me to be honest. We are both from Africa and have black coloured skin."
"Yes, my son. That is right. But today we are Niggers" Go Top
MEDICAL BRIEFS
A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doc, Doc, my penis has been burning lately."
And the doctor says reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."
Did you hear about the doctor who had his licence taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
Yes, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country.
A woman goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you're got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"
"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac"
"I understand," said the doctor, "but I'll be able to take better notes if you let go of my penis."
Patient: "Doc, Doc, you're got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?"
Doctor: "Yes¡You're fucking crackers." Go Top
FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week." Go Top
LAWYERS AND HEAVEN
A devout, good couple were about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union.
He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer." Go Top
BOY SCOUTS VISIT US MILITARY
This is an exact replication of a National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? Go Top
|
