SEXIST SHORTS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after. Go Top
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch...do it and die!"
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Send this to 5 bright women you know and make their day! Go Top
IF DR SEUSS WAS A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman -Yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live on Budweiser, Beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections;
I won't drive to Hell before asking directions.
I act nice at parties; don't act like a clown;
And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down.
I won't grab your boobies; I won't pinch your butt.
My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut.
I don't go around re-adjusting my crotch;
or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch.
I don't belch in public; don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman; So glad I could sing--
and thrilled I'm not covered in shag carpeting.
Hair won't grow from my ears, Or cover my back.
And when I bend over You can't see my crack.
I'm a woman, alas-- and I'm proud, don't you see?
I'm blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live for golf, or shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I don't need male bonding; I don't cruise for chicks--
I'll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my dick.
I'm a woman, by chance And thankful I am!
I'm so glad I'm a woman, Not a man, yes I am! Go Top
QUOTES FROM WOMEN
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- Rita Rudner
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. -- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Sue Grafton
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky
I think -- therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Gloria Steinem
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Katharine Hepburn Go Top
ADAM'S FIRST MISTAKE
So...after Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden. Of course it wasn't good for hime to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a helpmate for you, someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That sounds incredible."
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. In fact this is someone so special that it's going to cost and arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?" Go Top
BRAIN TRANSPLANT
At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, a you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used." Go Top
GOING BRA SHOPPING
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." Go Top
DATING TIPS FOR MEN
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
- I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
- I used to come here all the time with my ex.
- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
- I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
- It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am. Go Top
ADAM WAS LONELY
Adam said he was feeling lonely and asked God for company.
"I was thinking of making you a woman," said God.
"What is a woman?" asked Adam.
"Nearly a man, only curvier," said God, "and also sweet, caring and loving and at your beck and call. She will be an inspiration to you."
"Gosh," said Adam, "how much will that cost?"
"An arm and a leg," said God.
"What could I get for a rib?" asked Adam. Go Top
AFRICAN JOKES - RUSSIAN ROULETTE
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?! "The African calmly answers...."One of them is a cannibal." Go Top
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